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about this girl: |
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i'm jackie. twenty. sophomore at ramapo college. like everyone else, i have baggage. i've been through my fair share of bullshit in this life. it's hard not to dwell on the past, but i do my best to leave it behind. it's gotten me this far, and has shaped me into the person i am today. i'm a strong girl. i have a good head on my shoulders, and the best friends around to keep my head up. i have big dreams, and no matter what i do after i graduate college, i am a writer. always have been. always will be :)
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quote-spiration.
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"Keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling. Because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."
- Marilyn Monroe
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| Time to get back in to the swing of reality. I move back into school in a week. Crunch time.
Time to gather all my belongings and pack them up into tiny boxes.
Time to order books, and sell books from last semester that couldn't be sold then.
Time to say goodbyes to best friends.
Time to bust my ass at work for the next couple days. Every dime I make, counts.
Time to apply for decent paying jobs, find an internship, and get my field work done.
Time to organize, regroup, and plan.
I need to organize my life. Regroup what I am doing, and plan for the future.
I need to continue writing for the National Examiner, but I need to get into the habit of pumping out one to two articles daily.
I need to continue on my quest for finding a publisher, or an agent for my writing.
I need to figure out what I want to do with psychology in my future.
I need to get out of this town, start fresh, start new.
Turning 21 this year. With bright eyes, a warm heart, and the world in front of me... nothing seems impossible. I'm going to make something of this year, of myself, and of my life.
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| "You can only rely on yourself."
Isn't that the damn truth. And it's funny, ya know. How you grow up in this small little town, with all the friends in the world, thinking that that's how it's going to be... forever. Forever's such a funny concept, isn't it? How can forever be... if we can't be forever. You grow up thinking that you will always need your friends to pick you up when you fall, thinking they will always be your backbone, your spine, your support, thinking that you will stay that way, for the strange concept of forever. Well, tell me again. What is forever?
Is forever finding a new boyfriend, and realizing your best friend just didn't make the cut? Is forever leaving for college, meeting new friends and never even calling your best friend to wish her a happy birthday? Is forever not knowing what to say to your best friend when her friend died, so you distance yourself, til you barely speak to her again? Is forever finding you haven't spoken to your best friend in months, and after realizing that, just never picking up your phone to shoot a text, or a call over? Well guess what, forever ended.
There is no such thing as forever. There is no one who will be forever loyal to you, except yourself - not your friends, not even your family.
I must say, all you people are great at being puppet masters. I must be stupid to follow your lead.. to let you direct me, which way to go. But I don't regret it. I don't regret for a minute being a good friend. I don't care what anyone says, or thinks. I know, of all things I can be proud of, I was, am, and always will be a good friend. That is one thing, I know for sure. But it seems you have all forgotten. Maybe one day, you will remember.
You will all remember who was the one ALWAYS there for you. It was me. I was the one who sat with you on the phone, listening to your blubbering as you cried your eyes out, because the boy you were crazy about; the boy you thought you'd marry, broke your heart. I was the one, who the next morning, after the breakup, checked in to make sure you were doing okay. I was the one who made sure you ate, so your depression wouldn't get the best of you. I was the one who never let you .. any of you .. down, ever. I was the one who always got up and left to meet up with you, if you needed me to. I was the one who always helped you with your decisions, when you couldn't decide what to do. I was the one who told you that even though he is sorry for cheating on you, and even though you love him, you're better off without him. I was the one you all came to when your family turned against you, when your best friend ditched you, when your boyfriend wasn't calling you. Point, blank: I was the one.
I don't need any cards, or flowers, or presents. I don't need the physical, in return. I want something else. Something that I don't think many of you understand. Appreciation? Seems like a foreign word to many. I am a good person, and I pride on being a good friend. But what do I get in return? Shit on. I do you favors-- seemingly outrageous ones too; I listen to you bitch and fucking complain about your life; I let all your sorry pathetic asses walk all over me sometimes... But, I would do anything just to make sure that my friends are happy. Most importantly, I am always always always there. But what happens when the tables are turned? When I am the one in need? When I need a shoulder, someone to lean on? I turn around to look.. and all I see is emptiness.
Don't try to understand. You couldn't anyway. Do you know what it's like to give and give and give, and never ask for anything.. But when you really need someone or something, when your back is really against the wall, when that wire is so thin you can barely walk on it, when your brain is so stuffed you feel as if you could explode, when your lungs are so filled with air that you can't even breathe, no one is there? No, you don't. Because if you were in that situation, I would be the one, running to you, making sure you were okay. Making sure that my friend was okay. And this is not written to anyone in particular. This is not to you, or you, or you. This is to almost every person I have encountered. Don't be mistaken. Don't be fooled.
That's fine. Silly me. I forgot, don't ask for anything in return. But once, just once, I would like to feel appreciated. I would like for my family to open up their eyes and appreciate me for the person I am, for everything I have done for them, and maybe.. just maybe, be proud of me. For once, I'd like my friends, past and present to pull their heads out their asses and look around. Realize that I have always been there for you, and maybe ask me what's up, what's new? Maybe realize that a girl can only take so much, and if she's taking on everyone's load, and everyone's burden.. gee, that must mean she has a lot on her plate.... but of course, I won't hold my breath.
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